Good Bye My Lover

Sandy hair, blue eyes

Round face, school boy grace

We travelled New Zealand together

Were sitting next to one another

When it was announced

The king was dead,

I don't think either of us

Knew who he was in our head.

Craig's Hotel, Ballarat

We were choosing room buddies

Your voice came from the back,

When it was asked,

Who'd share with me,

"Me sir." I didn't have to turn

I knew it was you

And a flutter went through me.

School camp, in the dark,

What a lark, what goings on.

You had to battle for my attention

You could cut the tension

Between Craig and me,

And you did, cut through

Instead, and I was yours,

From that moment, it would seem.

Year 11, nearly men

In form assembly, in front of everyone

You said we should be lovers,

You just came out with it,

You wanted it, so should I?

You didn't believe me when I said no.

You do, you said,

You will, you said.

How could you have known?

All those years I'd been in love

with you, I tried not to shake,

I tried not to lose my mind,

Right there in front of you.

You stared at me, through me,

I stared back at you

Everything else just stopped.

A freeze, all faded away,

We both knew, despite denying it

My big, strapping footy player.

"Mr Robertson? Mr G?

"You with us today, or are you

Just making googly eyes at each other?"

That snapped us back to life.

You punched my arm and said,

Under your breath, "You will."

The next day, in the hallway,

All the boys were checking in,

What a din, the smell of testosterone

And the anticipation of success.

What a mess. Muscles and

Long hair, and cheap vinyl

school bags, and books,

I looked at you and said, "Yes."

You smiled that smile that

One day would make you

millions in real estate, tilted you head,

"Good," you said. "I hoped you would."

We were surrounded by boys

And none of them knew,

Lovers became lovers right there

In their view.

You headed off to class,

Just like that. Left me standing there,

Like I had nothing to wear.

Your head reappeared. Smile.

"Don't go home after school."

I must have been dumbfounded

By what I had just agreed to.

"Come on," you said, "Class is on."

And then it was on, like

Donkey Kong, sometimes in bed,

Sometimes standing on our heads.

Athletic and fearless, despite all

The queerness, sometimes tender,

Sometimes brutal, often tender

Romantic, funny, lovely, gentle, rough

The same gender suited us.

Sometimes with snot and shit as the result

Exhausted on the floor, and in pain

Sandy's mother's face cream took a battering,

Crushed velvet lounge suits getting scrubbed down,

Snatching every opportunity

Given to us by the universe,

School holidays, "The olds are

down the beach house, come over. NOW!"

Two years, and then some,

We were queers and nobody knew.

You were Vice Captain of the school,

And I got to fool around with you,

Between footy games for you

Hockey games for me, you watched

Me play, as I did you, and then we'd screw.

Trinity Grammar never had any queer kids

I heard one head master say.

Times were against us, and it was a bust

Our last day, you went away.

I got a girlfriend, and you got a wife,

Three boys you had, I wondered if

They looked like you? I thought I'd

See you again. One day we'd meet up.

"Remember the old days," I'd whisper

In your ear. Out of the blue, see that smile

One more time,

Then one day, unexpectedly, reading

the old boy's school magazine, in my kitchen,

coffee in hand, there you were, In Memoriam,

The words said people were shocked,

I was shocked, standing there alone

my coffee cup slid around my finger, nearly,

Bought me back to the day, catching it,

It didn't say how, I still don't know how.